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Scout on Learning/The Sun

 

I was looking for the sun. It was hot out, but I couldn't tell why. Yes, it was bright, but the sun was nowhere to be found. I looked in trees, in birds, and finally, I looked into you. You shone brighter than any other living creature and any crystal. You glittered brighter than gold. I was happy, I knew I was, at least for a little bit. Now, though, I can’t seem to ignore the darkness that creeps in at noon. The cold that seems to disprove your efficiency and the unreliability that refutes your existence. How can the sun disappear when I need its presence the most? How can the sun turn cold?

 Tonight, I waited for you to leave so that I could ask the moon. Only, it was gone too because it depended on you. And my orbit shifted, and my planets got lost, but you still brightened up the next morning. This time, though, I doubted depending on you. I wondered why you had hidden from me when I needed you. I wondered why you provided heat and light without giving guidance. I don’t reflect your light anymore, and I look for it in places I deemed unworthy before. I scrape and scraggle to create my motivation, to bury my need for you. I can’t depend on someone who finds escaping so convenient, who destroys my nights and my orbit whenever they desire.

The worst part of my pain is that my disappearance hasn’t affected you. I may cease to need your light, but you will never cease to be my sun. And I can never replace the sun; I can only try to convince myself that I don’t need it. Now, I reject your heat, and I reject your light. The wind asks about me, but I have gone too long without you, and it has blown me away. It is for the better; I could have never survived without you. I join the orbit of the moons and the planets, only to realize how distant you have always been. It doesn’t matter anymore, though; I’ve become another meaningless addition to the countless members of your solar system.


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