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Scout on the Past/Dusk

And you know you’ve been set up. You know that you’ve been raised on the defense. You know you had no chance from the start. But you pretend that you are focused. You pretend that their calls don’t tempt you. You pretend you don’t sit staring at their pictures regretting your decisions. So, you walk with your head high. You block them out before they can have the courage to enter your heart. You don’t give them access to who you are. Break, on the dawn. Mend, at sunset. Dissolve, at dusk. Watch the pieces run down the drain as you wash them away.  Watch your reflection disappear in muddy puddles.Watch the sun rise again knowing nothing will change.

Dissolving into your dreams, ask yourself how they let themselves into your home. How your mind became weak, how you wondered what a lack of loneliness must feel like. How they are not what you want, but their silhouette is something you could get used to. How the idea of them is intriguing, intoxicating, incomparable. Twist them into the person you want. Turn them into a person you could have. Destroy them like they would do to you if they got close enough.

Switch your perspective. Switch your gaze. Switch your environment. In the end, the mind you share with your past will always be in control. The mind meticulously formed out of fear and inferiority will convince you that it protects, not hinders. The mind in which you disappear in and out of consciousness is infallible. To what end can you hide? To what person will you turn? To what desperation will you reach?

Yet that isn’t the issue, but you will place the blame there. On your past, on your surroundings, on anyone that got close enough to challenge your peace. The issue is that you stay on fences. You build them, stand behind them, support them. You were raised on the defense, but you choose to stay there. You choose to break at dawn, to mend at sunset, to dissolve at dusk, and to do the same thing again the next day. You choose to let your reflection change in muddy puddles, never trying to see yourself in clear ones. And you know you can change. And you know you are responsible for who you become. And you know you have a chance.

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